As human beings, good relationships are vital to our happiness and wellbeing. But, as important as they are, good relationships don't necessarily come easily to many of us. When we find it hard to maintain them, we can question our own self-worth and feel that a satisfying, purposeful life has slipped beyond our reach. Everyone has relationship issues at some time, and we all can use help in learning how to manage them better.
We're all connected in complex ways with the ones we love: partners, siblings, parents, extended family or friends. However, maintaining a healthy web of good relationships and good family relationships with them isn't guaranteed. They can be complicated by:
- traumatic experiences such as abuse or abusive relationships, particularly from childhood
- substance addictions, such as alcohol or drug dependency
- process addictions, which are behaviours that become addictive in the way they alter our mood, such as eating disorders, overeating, gambling, sex addiction and overwork
- mood disorders, such as depression or bipolar disorder
- other forms of mental illness
- the family "culture" we grew up with
Do you have relationship problems?
Some signs that you are experiencing relationship problems include:
- Not communicating effectively – either keeping everything inside or exploding with rage
- Not being able to be emotionally intimate. You can't connect or share your feelings with others. You seem to be able to talk about everything except your thoughts and feelings or wants and needs
- Not being able to be physically intimate. You don't touch your partner or other people, and it makes you uncomfortable when they touch you. This makes sexual intimacy difficult too
- Not being honest with others
- Low self esteem
- Unable to understand others. Taking refuge in stock generalisations such as men are from Mars, women are from Venus – we're destined to be misunderstood by each other!
- Being overly distant with people, or being overly needy and clinging
- Having unrealistic expectations of yourself or others
- Trying to change other people, or trying to change yourself when you're around particular people
Family culture matters
Our family "culture" – meaning the habits and views that families evolve amongst themselves – has a profound influence on us as we grow up. It shapes our behaviour and it can be extremely difficult to change, regardless of how much we want to. Negative experiences can continue to affect us throughout our lives. We may have experienced:
- secrets and taboos, where feelings were stifled and unexpressed
- a tense atmosphere
- shaming, judging and punishing mistakes
- pressure to hide our feelings, which may have caused us to react against it and express our feelings in inappropriate ways
- problems that were never resolved or acknowledged
What's your role in your family?
If you had to describe your role in your family, would it be one of
the following?
- I always do what is right. I'm an over-achiever, over-responsible and
I like to be in control. I can be a perfectionist and I like (or need) everyone’s approval. I believe it’s my job to make things right.
I’m exhausted
- I get the attention in my family by either withdrawing or rebelling.
If I can get negative attention, it's better than no attention at all.
I don’t feel valued
- I'm a day dreamer and a loner. I can’t compete with personalities in my family, so I go away or withdraw. I'm self-sufficient and don’t really need anyone. Sometimes I feel worthless and tend to be passive in my approach to life
- I’m the comedian or performer in my family. I’ll do anything for a laugh. Nobody tells me much. I feel nervous and anxious a lot of the time but cover it up with laughter
- I over-use alcohol / drugs / food / sex / obsessive religion / gambling / nicotine or over-work. I use other people to take care of my feelings. I'm usually filled with shame and use my addictions to relieve the pain, anger, or fear I can’t express
- I try to change people in my family – especially those with addictions or mental health issues. I’m extremely responsible and can’t remember when I last had fun and didn’t worry. If only I was a better person, maybe they would change
Taking the first step towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships
It can be hard admitting to yourself, let alone to others, that you need help with your relationships through relationship counselling. Unlike people who have clear issues with alcohol or drugs, relationship troubles can be "invisible" by comparison. Doing something about it takes courage, but it is the necessary first step in the journey towards living a full life, with positive thoughts, feelings and behaviour.
South Pacific Private can help with relationship counselling, relationship advice, communication in relationships, abuse issues, sexual intimacy issues, adult children of alcoholics, self esteem issues. Whatever labels you've heard applied to relationship issues – codependency, codependent or abusive relationships, dysfunctional families – our programs will help you understand family roles, and give you the tools to change some of the behaviours around these roles. The goal is to improve relationships so you feel happier, have better self esteem, and are more connected to yourself and the people around you.
Key things to remember
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The family "culture" we grew up with has a profound effect on our future relationships
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It influences the way we feel about ourselves, and may be a root cause of addictions or mental health issues in our adult lives
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Recognising the strategies and roles that families evolve is a first step to changing the behaviours that are holding us back
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