Discovering what lies beneath
by Maria Dolenc CMGANZ, NAADAC
Clinical Supervisor at South Pacific Private
 In my ten years at SPP, as both a primary and family therapist I have
worked extensively with people experiencing addiction, depression
and other complex emotional issues. Over this time, I have become very aware of a similar underlying
pattern emerging with those who struggle with D&A and other
destructive behaviours: Shame seems to be one feeling often
seen in the circle of awareness. The more people use, the more
shame they feel, leading to a greater need to medicate the
increasing painful and shameful feelings.
I have become interested in Attachment Theory, which strongly
suggests that when a child does not feel bonding, or good
enough attachment with the
primary caregiver, (usually meaning
mother, for various reasons
according to Ainsworth & Bowlby
1991, cited in Developmental
Psychology, 1992), the child needs
to find their own solution for the
need to be met. This may, at a
later stage in life, become a
barrier, and often influences that
person towards addictive or
destructive processes. When infants
are not emotionally, or otherwise,
safe (therefore in distress) they are at the mercy of those
distressed states. They learn to
invest a great amount of energy
in reorganising their lives to feel safe and
secure. In other words, they learn to 'cope' or
'control' their lives as a way of keeping self safe.
Usually what we see when working with addicts is only the tip
of the iceberg. Underneath are feelings of pain, fear, loss and
shame. Drugs of various sorts become medicine for the lost self.
I encourage people to attend 12-step meetings as they may feel
a belonging and attachment with other, similarly struggling souls;
and at an early stage it can often help the addicted person to
see themselves as having a condition instead of the bad or
totally flawed person, they believe they are. They learn they are
not their disease, there is more to them than their addiction. It is
important to learn to separate.
People often, however, address only symptoms and don’t
deepen the search to discover core issues. Alcohol and drugs
may start as medicine, medication for dealing with unpleasant experiences, feelings and a means for relief from the pain. Drugs
can be used to replace interpersonal relationships, which those
with addictions often do not handle well. Addictions complicate
and add burden to the already complex area of relating.
In my work, I focus on interpersonal relationships, encouraging
people to invite family members to attend family meetings and
together deal with unresolved, unfinished business. Addiction is a
coping strategy, a creative adjustment that enables addicts to
tolerate stressful experiences. It is only when the using stops that
it’s possible to experience the pushed away feelings.
The addict’s exclusive primary relationship is with drugs - other
relationships are secondary. They need to explore how the
avoidance occurs in contact with self, others and environment.
At work I use lots of role-playing to facilitate awareness into what is
not usually seen, e.g. self destructive behaviours/patterns, and try to
connect the drinking self with the child self (who longs for painless
freedom) and the adult self. This is a powerful means of
facilitating seeing ‘what is’ (Paradoxical Theory of Change) as
though for the first time.
Healing commences from this awareness. Consequences of
actions can be seen and in that space of allowing, the healthy
adult can enter the process to provide care, forgiveness and
understanding.
The addict does not have compassion for their own pain; the
addict part of self is indulging, out of control and often has deep
disapproval of the self, not feeling the capacity to be present.
Recovery involves staying with the feelings of what was previously
medicated out of awareness; then exploring what it is that
addiction really offers.
When the cycle of addiction and self loathing are acted out
without awareness, the cycle can never be changed. We live in
a world which constantly affirms outward seeking: consumerism,
alcohol, television, games etc. Those addictions may not have
the same level of destructive consequences, however the
underlying process is the same – looking for solutions outside self
to medicate and numb the feelings of discomfort, and an
inability to simply BE.
Reference: Developmental Psychology (1992) 28 pp 759-775
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