Ben J’s Story

I started drinking from a young age, about 12 or 13 I believe. My parents divorced when I was 5, so I was only young, but I always remember that particular time of my life. I was the only boy, with three sisters, one of them my twin. My mum’s not with us any more, but even to this day if she were here I can’t imagine her and Dad together. I suppose it was a hard time for me at that age because we were just constantly going back and forth between homes. My older sisters weren’t too badly affected by it all, but my twin and I were a fair bit younger than them, and so we felt it the most.

Don’t get me wrong, we had a great upbringing but there were some complex relationships in my world. My mum remarried when I was around 10 and so did my father. It was a strange time because my dad had been having an affair with my mum’s best friend, so they got together and married, and still are to this day. But pretty much till the day she died my mum held resentment about that, which I can understand. When Mum died, she had been with her second husband for 30-plus years. He was a beautiful man, like a second father, so it worked out well. My stepmum’s ex-husband was around a lot, too. He would often be there at Christmas and things like that, because even as a separated couple they were really there for each other for their kids. It was just all a bit weird sometimes because I had all these parent figures in my life, but I was hardly ever allowed to see Dad because of that resentment Mum held, I suppose. She hated him and she didn’t want me to be a part of his life. 

Around Year 7, I went to a boarding school near Griffith, probably because Mum wanted to get me out of town, as I was a bit of a troubled kid. I had a good group of friends but I was a bit lost. It was an all-boys boarding school and sometimes Dad would come over there without getting permission from Mum. He’d get all the way over there to watch me play footy or something and then Mum would ring the school principal and say, ‘No, I don’t want him seeing Ben.’ So then he’d have to drive all the way home without having seen me. 

At boarding school I drank a lot. We used to sneak out into the bush next to a state forest. Mum was a very big drinker. I’m not sure she was an alcoholic, but I suppose that was her crutch, so I learnt from a young age that it was acceptable.

Back then boarding schools were pretty bad places for copping physical and mental abuse from the older students. If you didn’t do what you were told you would get punched, maybe not in the face, but enough to make you cry. Blokes would steal food from you, it was just what happened. If those things happened today, they would get in a lot of trouble. It didn’t just happen to me, but I definitely think that the experience affected me. It wasn’t a nice environment.

So I went there until year 12, and because my parents were originally from the country I went jackarooing out towards Adelaide after school. I loved that because it was just what I knew, but I couldn’t do it forever. After that I got a trade in construction and never looked back. 

In my apprenticeship year I worked at a local pub on weekends and during the week just to get extra money and try to get ahead in life. I then started working for myself in my early 20s, but I had a couple of jobs go bad. You know, money owed. Back then it was just a handshake, rather than a written contract. I had a few things go wrong and it started affecting my mental health. 

I was diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar disorder, and first went on medication for this when I was in my early 30s. For a while things weren’t too bad. For years I just managed it, and I got married and we had three kids. I still drank probably seven days a week but then I got pancreatitis. My family doctor said I needed to get off the booze, so I didn’t drink for a year, but after that I was straight back on it. Even though I had a wife, kids and a group of mates, I was a bit of a loner. Then, around five to six years ago, I really hit rock bottom. 

Mum died in 2018, and then so did my stepdad in 2019, straight after each other.  I was still drinking every day, but after that I started knocking off work at 2pm every day to drink. I’d tell my workers I was going to get some materials or something, but it was a lie. I was always driving around over the limit. I wouldn’t go anywhere without having five or six beers under my belt because I just didn’t have confidence. On the weekends I would start drinking at 10am so I could never go to the kids’ sports. I would always try to get out of it because I just wanted to drink. From then on it just spiralled out of control. I dabbled in marijuana bit, and some other drugs, but that wasn’t really my thing. 

When I hit rock bottom I had everything ready to go. I had all my funeral songs worked out and I had a noose in the shed, which luckily my wife found and removed. Instead, I overdosed on my ADHD and bipolar medication and was taken to the psych ward, but only for a night. The next day they just let me go, which my wife wasn’t really happy about, and unsurprisingly I started drinking again. I really put my wife and kids through hell. I wasn’t a violent person but I used to get very moody and very cranky. After I drank, I admit that I would take it out on one of my sons, not violently, but he is affected to this day. I’m not proud of that and I’m trying to make up for it.

A few months after that overdose I was still not in a good way, I was back to suicidal thinking and I had plans in place, even trees picked out where I could do it.  If I hadn’t had kids, I probably would have gone through with it. But I woke up one day and said to my wife, ‘Book me into rehab. If I don’t go, I’m not gonna be here any more.’ She was so thankful, and so relieved. She had looked into a few rehabs in the months prior, because I had talked about it, but I kept putting it off because I worked for myself. So she booked me into South Pacific Private, and it was the best thing I’ve ever done.

There’s no question that it was scary at first, but the first thing I did when I arrived at SPP was meet a nurse, Lisa, who showed me to my room and just made me feel so at ease. What surprised me in the following days and weeks was that I met so many good people there. When I was in my addiction and thought of rehab, I imagined feral people that live underneath a bridge or something. But when I went it just opened my eyes. There were so many people there from all walks of life and, like me, they were all struggling. Before SPP, I’d never had any gay mates. But in SPP I got to know these great gay people who are just beautiful, and this really changed my whole perception of life. 

Back home, no-one really knew that I was a functioning alcoholic, but at SPP, and especially during the Transitions Program that I did, I could really talk to people that understood. None of my friends knew what I was going through, only my wife did. But once you meet people at SPP, you open up. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. 

I always thought that what I was doing was normal. I realise now it’s not. Recovery is hard but the longer you stay alcohol-free, or sober, it does get easier. We recently lost my nephew in a car accident, which really rocked our family. If I wasn’t sober, I know I would have gone off the rails. I would have been the first to drink and probably would have gone back to the suicidal mind. 

These days, my mental health is a lot better. I try to be more present in my everyday life. My relationship with my wife improved, we do things together and we talk a lot more. I still have some bad days where I wish I wasn’t here, but my kids are my motivation. I’m a much better father now, but it still takes time. 

Before SPP I was not present, and it really affected my kids because I just wasn’t a good father. Drinking was my life, I didn’t care about my family, I didn’t care about work or materialistic things. At one stage, I was happy to let it all go but my wife really held our family together. I put her through so much pain, but if I didn’t have her I wouldn’t be here. From my own childhood experiences, going to boarding school, not having the most loving relationship with my parents, I didn’t know how to be a loving father. But I turned it around because one day, something just clicked in my head. I would recommend SPP to anyone. As hard as it was – and I had to bite my pride – it was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself and for my family.