Natasha’s Story

In the early 2000s I was in my late 30s, a single mum of three kids living in Vaucluse in Sydney. I was feeling completely overwhelmed with life, and had been diagnosed with depression. I felt unable to manage anything, and I constantly wondered if I would ever be normal? Why was life the way it was? Why was it all happening? I was working really long hours and not coping. I wasn’t being who I wanted to be for myself or how I wanted to be as a parent. It was an incredibly difficult time, and not having had parents myself that set an example, I had no references of what made a good parent was or what parenting even was. My depression in itself wasn’t so much about parenting, there was just an extreme darkness that hung over me. But I had the determination to find a way through. 

Despite being in the depths of depression, I am a naturally optimistic and quite hopeful person, so I knew somewhere within me was a way through. What I needed was to learn emotional intelligence and gain a deeper understanding of myself. I decided that the best way forward was to try South Pacific Private, because I had heard that a lot of people were being referred there and a lot of really good things were occurring as a result. At the time it was a six- or seven-week program, and being a single working mum of three, I couldn’t afford the time or cost of staying for the entire time. But I was lucky that I had private health insurance and I managed to go there for three weeks. I just threw myself head first into it. It felt like an incredible privilege to be able to do that. 

In those three weeks I worked really hard and I learnt so much about myself, my depression and that I had been living – unbeknownst to me – in co-dependency my whole life. Working through my timeline of 0-15 years of age was incredibly intense and it brought up memories that I had firmly suppressed, which was an incredibly practical and spiritual experience at the same time. What struck me most, though, was that within the incredible community of SPP was such a vast range of different people, different troubles and struggles. We had a professor there, we had young people, people from all backgrounds. There was no stigma – mental health impacts us all. 

Those weeks at SPP felt very caring and occasionally precarious when people were going through their processes and remembering traumas. But it was phenomenal witnessing that shifting of the darkness. It’s been around 25 years since I was at SPP, and honestly I believe I’m only just starting to heal now. It’s easy to think that you will come out of rehab and you’ll be all fixed, but really that’s just the beginning of a longer journey. I’ve had some incredible achievements in recent years, I’ve worked a lot on my physical health and my self-development and gratitude. The kids have grown up now, which means I’ve got more time on my hands, but these achievements were all made possible because of those initial teachings from South Pacific Private. I think every child should go through this type of teaching. It is why I am really starting to heal now and learning to love myself. I make good decisions, and I understand that there are some things in life that I can’t control. 

Today I work in disabilities as a support coordinator, so on one side I deal with a lot of psychologists and psychiatrists, and then on the other side, all my participants. SPP has given me the ability to do so, because that kind of job is very varied and it can be very challenging and confrontational. I use the tools I learnt to this day, for example HALT – Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. I know now that if I am any of these things, I’m no use to anyone, whether that be at work, at home or even in my dragon boat racing team. I can recognise when I am overwhelmed and I will prioritise self-care strategies like meditation, because if I don’t, I’m going to make really bad mistakes or sound like I have compassion fatigue or just push my body too far. 

SPP dispelled what you call the ‘fog’ and the ‘darkness’ of depression, that black dog that sits on your shoulder. And I do find that working in this field, there are certain disabilities and psychosocial issues that do still trigger me because I haven’t quite reconciled with them myself yet. When you’re depressed, you don’t realise how self-obsessed you are. It’s not because you’re being particularly narcissistic, it’s just the nature of the illness. But now I see it from a more objective point of view. At the same time I love my nasty little narcissistic, rat bag, adapted adult child. I love that person because she helped me survive.

I’m grateful for those three weeks because they were some of the most impactful and pivotal in my life. The knowledge and grace I acquired will continue to have a ripple effect for many generations.